Questions remain....

He was in my dreams yesterday night. I did not remember the dream that well when I woke up but the first thing I recalled was that he was in my dreams. I dont know why he was. It seems there is an interpretation for every dream that you dream, but I cant interpret anything from the dream really....wait...is it that I still miss him?..................I dont know.

It was few months back when I met him last...we havent even exchanged emails for long now. Trying to be oblivious of each other's existence. When I met him though, it was like those suppressed emotions surging out of my system automatically without any control.

I wonder how it will be if and when I get to meet him. I am not even sure if we will ever cross paths again. This life is a long journey afterall, we might bump into each other some day some time in all probability. I guess then, it will be the same as ever. Somehow, the emotions dont seem to fade. Many have come and gone in my life, many things have happened in between, but noone was like him, nothing was like what it was. What was that? Why was that? How was that ?

For some questions in life, there are no answers.

Why me?

Since past three days, one thought plagued me throughout. "Why me?". Why am I going through so much in life? Why did I never get what I wanted? Why was I unlucky? blah blah blah...

I did not
- rob/kill anyone
- waste my dad's money to party and have fun
- go out to pubs/discs
- trouble anyone out of jealousy
- did not backstab anyone

Yet, at the end of it, people who did all these are happy and content in life and I am not.

My perspective changed in office today when I went to get some water from the water fountain. I saw a person with cerebral palsy having to use his motor cart to move around and needed constant help from his guardian. Instantly, I felt lighter. Suddenly, I was thankful for what I have.

I have

- good health
- fair amount of intelligence to gain a livelyhood
- independent enough to cook my food, drive my car and do my chores
- enough love and affection from people I care
- mental strength to deal with life's ups and downs

Now, at this moment, I have no complaints.

Stereotypical

Even today, lot of men (let me be specific, this applies mostly to Indian men) marry women with the following "taken for granted" assumptions:-

- My wife will cook delicious lunch/dinner for me while I watch my favorite movie on TV sleeping on the couch.

- My wife will be a kshmayadaritri (The Forgiving Earth). She will be patient, she will endure all the pain, she will forgive my impatience, my foolishness..she will accept my follies, pray for my good and support me with whatever I want to do in life

- My wife will keep my parents happy. She will be an obedient daughter-in-law and listen to whatever my parents have to say. She will cook with my mother, help her with the chores, makes coffee for my dad and serves me bed coffee every morning.

- My wife will dress up like a doll on festivals, will socialize with my friends and will attend parties with me.

- My wife will be a close friend of my sister/brother. She treats them like her own siblings.

- My wife depends on me to take her to office, manage her bills, manage her finances.

Even as they are happily busy imagining their future with their stereotypical wives, they completely ignore the following facts:-

- Your wife also works as hard as you at office and comes back at around the same time. She definitely needs a helping hand in kitchen

- Just like how you expect her to be patient, you should also be patient, forgiving and accept as she is.

- She also has parents. It does not work anymore that you are only ready to accept her as part of the family and not her own parents.

- She also has her set of friends, parties, social events that you have to be a part of.

- She also has siblings just like you do.

- She is an independent woman with a career of her own and can manage her life pretty well with or without you. All she needs is moral support.

I am not generalizing all the men in the above category. It only hurts that some men are still conservative as much as their fathers and fore fathers.

Alter Ego

M called over the weekend to announce that she is finally finally seeing someone. (M was my classmate in college and a good friend). It seems the guy is someone whom she met through her parents. (I am quite surprised that M is going for an arranged marriage.)

M is attractive because of her intelligence and sensitivity more than her physical features (of course she is quite good looking too). She acts like this always elusive, enigmatic lady that makes people curious about her. M had a huge fan(read guys) following in college and apparently, the fan club only grew with time( got to know from a very reliable source and that is M herself :P).

I wonder why M could not pick one of her fans as her life partner. May be, it was her family. May be that the guy she liked was committed to someone else. May be, it was that she did not feel that any of the guys was worth considering. May be, it was the problem of plenty.

Replace M with I and it is the same story, well almost.

Mama's Boys and Girls

As I mentioned in my previous post, I am not cooking at home these days. The reason is that my roomie S's mom is here in US helping her study for GMAT. So, these days as I have lot of time at home once I am back from work, my main source of amusement is the interaction between her and her mom on day to day basis. I am amused at the thought how mother-daughter interactions can be so different from my own.

The first time S told me that her mom is coming here, she also added that she is coming here to make sure S appears for GMAT asap. She said her mom knows very well that if she is left alone to do it, she would never do it. Wait a minute, such a thing never happened even when I was in high school where my mom made sure I do my home work, I prepare for exams or I get a good percentage. It really felt a little strange! My mom's attitude has always been "You know what you want, and I know you will do what you have to, to get what you want".

S now should be around 24. She has a career experience of around 2 years. I am pretty sure, she knows whether she wants to do an MBA or not. If she knows, she needs an MBA at any cost, she will appear for GMAT with all seriousness. Why on earth is S's mom so concerned abt her career or MBA. Now, I am not totally denying parents' role in shaping up our career or helping us see the right things. We need their moral and emotional (till some point, financial too ;) ) support throughout our lives. Having said that, it is exactly where their role should end, is it not?

I also see that S is totally dependent on her mom when it comes to her career problems. I see in their conversations how S's mom advices her what to do, what not to do, how to talk, how to behave. Well, there is no doubt S's mom herself is managing a company of her own and has lot of experience in terms of career. But then, S herself has enough experience in her career to tackle her day to day problems. Venting out career frustrations to moms is one thing, taking advices is still fine, but it seems to me S exactly does what her mom asks her to do. If not for her mom, I think S would be clueless to deal with certain situations at office.

My mom is a home maker and never had any career as such. She will never be able to contribute to my career decisions. All she does is support me when I need the most. My dad did have a career but I am never dependent on him to decide what is the best for me. This is because, I feel I am an independent individual who alone knows what is the best for herself. My parents cant feel the passion I feel for certain things, they dont understand why I detest doing certain things. Definitely being in 20's means, you handle your life yourself. Is it not??

I am not sure, if such a thing happens only with Indian parenting. I have read and heard about a different set up in America where children move out of their homes when they begin their college, work for their pocket money and decide what they want to be in life. Anyways, I am not really being judgemental here about what is right and what is wrong. It is more of an amused thought that crossed my mind few days ago.

For now, I continue to get amused for another two-three weeks!! :)

Happiest Moments...

I am done with my work for the day! :) :)..I have been damn lucky since past few days..Work from 9 to 5, go home, have dinner (and I am not cooking :) ), watch couple of episodes of Friends and hit the bed around 11. Can I ask for more...

Anyways, in this idle time of mine, I realize it's been a long time since I have been this relaxed in professional life. This thought is followed by another one.. "what were the happiest moments of my life when I was really really really happy?"

Well, here the list goes, in no particular order of chronology or preference.

1. when I got to know I would be traveling to Australia for a project. The prospect of going to a foreign country that early in my career was thrilling. And I was happy throughout the trip. The trip changed a lot of things..one of them is I started wearing jeans (ya, I did lot of things late in life) and got compliments for that too!!

2. when I got to know my pre-university results. I got a whopping 98% in PCM and was in top 30s in the entire state. Even as much as I know I am not an Einstein, it still made me feel damn good, because I had really worked for it and the hard work had paid off.

3. when I see my nephew or his snap. I have never felt such selfless love for anyone in life (... or I dont know if it's selfish again, afterall its your own nephew). I could not stop myself from going to the cradle every now and then even while he slept...Oh! babies are real wonders of life.

4. when I wore saree for the first time for my tenth standard send off and I got so many compliments for it..for the first time, I felt feminine and proud of my looks :)

5. when we won carrom mixed doubles 4-3 in my 2nd year of college when we actually trailed 0-3 at one point and went on to win the next four games to beat the over-complacent seniors..hahaha..and the entire class was around us encouraging!

6. when I first drove the car with permanent license, it was the most thrilling and liberating experience (yes, liberating, you will understand if you come to US without the driving license or a car)

7. when I cut my hair short back in 2003 so I could let it loose without having to tie it or plat it and I looked good and made me feel damn good! It was a complete new ME. Believe me, a good hairstyle can actually make you feel completely different from what you were before. From then on, I have never allowed my hair to grow so long that I have to tie it (exception is when I had to get married and mom did not allow me to go for a haircut :( )

I guess the list is complete...not many considering that I have been living life for almost 3 decades!!

Me not so "typical"

I dont look or behave "typical" (you have to imagine 2 raised hands in the air depicting quotes there)...Let me explain. People have always told me the following things so much so that I almost aniticipate one of them to pop out from every acquaintance I meet.

1a. First version - "Oh, I never thought you are a south indian, I thought you must be a marwadi"...
1b. Second version - "Are you from "Pph"akistan?"..typically in US of A
2. "Oh, you had an arranged marriage??"...silence...smile...
3. "Oh, you actually know all those old kannada songs and you read kannada books, I never thought so as you hardly look like the one who does, you know how typical bangalore gals are"....ya sure I know...
4. "Oh, you wanna be a manager, but I always thought you like technical"...

Makes me wonder if I have such strong pre-conceived notions about anybody in life....

The feeling has been weird. Nothing seems to make sense. Why is that we always yearn for something that never was or is ours and always ignore what we have? Is it really true that you will realize the value of few things in life only after you have lost them?

Life is weird. What you have is something you don’t want and what you want, you can’t have it.

“iruvudellava bittu iradudara edege tudivudhe jeevana” – Gopalakrishna Adiga

Is "true love" true?

Yesterday, one of my close friends confessed about her break up she had in the past. It was something I had no clue about. Till yesterday, I thought break-ups happen to college going kids who see the whole world in rose-tinted glasses who confuse attraction to love or to those who lack maturity to realize that they are getting into a relationship without analyzing the other person well enough or to those insensitive fools who think they own the other person and rule his/her dreams once they get committed.
I somehow could not believe that my friend who is one of the most mature n sensible girl that I have ever seen had a break up. More so, because I always thought and even told her that she is so much like me ..and I believed firmly that if at all I had a boy friend, then I would never ever have a break up with me being one of the most sensible,sensitive and mature creature in this world and I would have for certain made the right choice. [I know this is self-praise, but I really thought high of myself, that was till yesterday]. After hearing her story in brief, it has pushed me into thinking that may be my perception about break-ups isnt as straight forward as it seems.
Well, this is not the only break-up I have seen or heard of. In the past few days, I have heard of many more such stories of all the people who look quite sensible n sensitive n mature enough to deal with a commitment. Come on, why do you have to get into a commitment if you cant make out if you can handle it or not. [Well, look at me people:) ]. Either people break up or end up in miserable marriages and that is the most common thing I have seen in the recent past.
Looking at all this, my faith in love has taken a beating. I believed in true love that existed in the world [I am not talking about parental or bro-sis love here], though I was not fortunate enough to find it myself with me being a self-obsessed creature to whom life never taught how to love.( reminds me of kal ho na ho dialogue "zindagi ne bahut kuch sikhaaya par pyar nahi sikhapaya"). Books like Richard Bach's "A Bridge across forever" made me believe in true love that spans across incarnations, binding two souls in harmony and from then on, its pure joy n ecstacy for the twosome throughout the journey called life. That book which made so much sense then, just few months back now seems almost like any other sugar-coated fairy tale in the name of reality.
I could not sleep for a long time yesterday night, asking myself so many questions and not finding any convincing answers. I tried to dig out the names of couples whom I know from my memory who are blissfully happy with each other and consistently throughout. I could not think of a single couple who are.
Ohh, what a pity! there doesnt seem to be any existence of true love. Love is just a medium to fulfill our physical needs and social needs. Love is just a bio-chemical reaction afterall without which we would not have multiplied into billions and would have been wiped out from the face of earth long ago.
In summary, it seems like human beings are mere animals. The truth is as plain as that. I think it is high time, we stop looking at ourselves as superior creatures and stop giving ourselves the undeserved respect.